living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
