youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Enjoy the penises
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
