Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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