i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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