They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
