Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Oh god it's open bar.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
