Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
