Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
