if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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