No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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