that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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