I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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