i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
