Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
