Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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