then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
