yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
