Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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