i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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