your thong is hanging out like whoa
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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