I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
