happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
