Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
