you guys were way drunker than both of me
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
