Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
