Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
