Just fell off a train. Bad.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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