My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
