im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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