You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
