does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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