Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
