I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
