You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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