I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
