He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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