God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
