When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
