Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
