I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
