Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
