So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
Cake is only good when you eat it
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.