I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
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