i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
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Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.