I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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