Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
