I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
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my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
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You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag