dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.