I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Let's paint friendship bongs
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
