by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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