Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday