Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...