Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Randomize
