I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
