They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
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