Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
