puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
