we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
