I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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